by Victoria R. Reginaldo
Victoria R. Reginaldo is a Biology major from Weymouth, MA; she was born in Brazil and speaks Portuguese. Victoria explains that this essay was meaningful to her because it allowed her to think about an idea she has carried with her since she was young, the desire to have children, and how that dream is shaped and complicated by the realities of today’s society. “As I get older and begin to realize that life isn’t so simple, it made me want to research and write about how society influences the decision to have children,” she shares. Victoria notes that this semester gave her the freedom to write more creatively and to explore her ideas in a different way. One part of the process she enjoyed was gathering a wide range of sources. She recalls staying up late organizing her notes, mapping out different perspectives, and asking friends and classmates what they thought about the subject. “The more I researched, the more I realized how many factors shape a decision that often seems so personal — things like culture, financial stability, and expectations of gender roles,” Victoria explains. Although the essay is not directly tied to her major, she says it was special because it highlighted her creative side. “As a biology major, I get so involved in science that sometimes I forget to let my artistic and expressive personality out,” she reflects. Writing this paper reminded her that she can bring together both her scientific and creative interests, approaching a personal question with the same kind of curiosity and analysis she brings to her biology studies. This essay was not only about exploring a personal topic, but also about celebrating her growth — both as a student and a writer — and discovering new ways to connect her passions for science, creativity, and self-reflection.
“I choose mom!” 10-year-old me shouted.
I remember playing “house” with my best friend, Jennifer, and her sister nearly every time we had a playdate, whether it was with Barbies, Polly Pockets, or even just us acting it out. I would be mom, and she would be the dad, and her little sister, Emily, was always the baby.
We would take Emily to pretend school, pretend dance classes, and sometimes the pretend park, which was actually the real park because we wanted to play too!
…
Fast forward to 24-year-old me, talking to my boyfriend of five years about marriage and children. I tell him that since a young age I always had the desire to be a mother. I love children and have “just what it takes” to be a mom. He knows this is true but reminds me of how busy our lives are and how expensive children can be. My dreams of being a mom suddenly become a reality check. Am I the only one wondering if I will ever be able to be a parent and overcome this busy life and financial challenge? Or are others asking the same thing? How does modern life influence the desire to have children?
It’s strange how something that once felt so obvious now feels so full of questions. Lately I’ve been wondering what changed. Is it that I’ve gotten older? Or is the world really different from the one I imagined back then? I think about how I used to believe that being grown-up meant doing whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. But now I understand that being an adult often means doing what needs to be done – even if it’s not what you want.
The more I talk to my friends around my age, the more I realize that I’m not the only one caught in this weird in-between space. So many of us grew up believing we’d follow a certain path, whether it be school, job, marriage, family, etc. Some of my friends have kids, some, like me, want them but don’t know if they’ll ever be ready and others don’t ever want any. Not because they don’t like children but because they’re scared of what they’d have to give up. It’s not just about the money, although that is a big part, but it’s also about time and identity. Let’s take a little deep dive into each of these factors.
I recently read “Bumping into Mr. Ravioli” by Adam Gopnik, where he writes, “the last third of the nineteenth century and the beginning of the twentieth, though, and suddenly everybody is busy, and everybody is complaining about it” (Gopnik). That was over a hundred years ago, and let me tell you, it’s only gotten busier since. What Gopnik describes as a historical shift has now become a way of life. Everyone seems to be juggling something: work, school, side hustles, social lives, and screen time, all crammed into the same 24 hours. At least that’s how I feel. I am exhausted and constantly in motion. But Gopnik’s view left me wondering about the role technology plays in all this, which is something he doesn’t really touch on.
So, I turned to my brother, Caique Reginaldo, who’s raising two little ones while managing his own full-time job and household. He told me, “Technology plays a big role [in what makes life so busy in today’s world]. That constant busyness makes me value quality time with my family even more. I’ve learned to be intentional about disconnecting and just being present with my wife and kids.” His experience adds another layer to Gopnik’s concept of busyness. One that’s driven not just by external obligations but by internal, often digital, distractions that can pull us away from what matters most.
Hearing my brother reflect on this shift got me thinking more deeply about how parenthood can reshape not just your schedule, but your entire lifestyle and identity. Caique, once the life of the party, became a dad seemingly overnight. He went from nights out to nights in with his one-year-old daughter and three-year-old son, and somehow, the change looked natural on him. Maybe those late-night party skills actually helped him survive the “terrible twos.” I used to think of him as a total free spirit, so seeing him settle into “superdad” mode was honestly surprising. As he put it, his “social life became more about playdates and family-friendly gatherings than nights out.” It made me think: what if part of the reason some people hesitate to become parents is because they’re not ready to give up certain parts of who they are?
As I did some research to figure it out, I came across a thesis project called Imagining a Good Life without Children by Michiel Suring. And honestly, my first reaction was, “nope, not possible!” But the more I read, the more I started to understand where people were coming from. One woman in the study, 34-year-old Lisa describes herself as someone who needs to feel free in order to be happy. She said:
I always flutter (fladderen). One moment I decide to do this or go here, and the next moment I choose something different. It is just how I work. This freedom and flexibility are what makes me happy. If there is something that makes me unhappy, it is when I am bound to something, someone or somewhere causing restrictions in my freedom and flexibility of desires I want to pursue and the choices I want to make. (Suring 18).
After reading Lisa’s story I thought about people who do want kids and still hesitate. That’s where I think the reality check hits the hardest. It’s not just about whether you want to be a parent, it’s about whether you can. I mean, we talk about having kids like it’s a personal decision, but the truth is, the economy has a big say in that too. Which made me wonder: how much does today’s economy really shape the way people think about becoming parents?
When people talk about children being expensive, they don’t necessarily mean the child itself. That is free, for the most part, but we’ll get into infertility a bit later on. For now, let’s look at what about a child is actually so expensive and how that can influence the decision to have a one. The U.S. Department of Labor finds that “in 2022, costs ranged from $5,357 for school-age home-based care in small counties to $17,171 for infant center-based care in large counties” (Parker). Those numbers only include costs for childcare. I can only imagine that food, transportation, education, housing and clothing would increase that number significantly.
With that being said I would expect that most people of low-income families would elect to not have a child because of their concerns of not being able to provide for their children. However, I found that Rachel Minkin and Juliana Menasce Horowitz from Pew Research reported that “despite their concerns, lower-income parents are more likely than those with middle and upper incomes to say parenting is enjoyable and rewarding all the time. But lower-income parents are also more likely than those with upper incomes to say parenting is stressful all or most of the time” (Minkin and Horowitz). Although they do not say directly whether or not these parents’ decisions are made from their financial status, it leads me to understand that maybe finances shouldn’t impede you from having children, because being a parent “is the most challenging and rewarding role you’ll ever have” (Reginaldo).
Okay, so let’s say money isn’t the issue. Say you could afford all the diapers, daycare, and dance recitals – would that automatically mean you’d want kids? Probably not. The decision to become a parent is so much more than just a financial one. It comes down to our identities, our bodies, and the expectations created by society. I look back now, and I think about how, while growing up, being a mom just felt like part of my future. Simply because I was a girl. But not everyone fits that same storyline. That’s when I realized this isn’t just about me anymore. It’s about how changing cultural expectations and social norms are shaping everyone’s relationship with parenthood.
Remember when I said we would get into infertility. Well, here’s that time. As we grow up there’s always questions society creates to make sure we stay on track:
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”
“When are you getting married?”
“When are you guys having babies?”
Society creates these expectations, and everyone is somehow expected to follow the same timeline. But for some people those questions can be uncomfortable. I’ve seen it first hand. My friend Jennifer – from the playdate, struggled with infertility. She had 3 miscarriages before she was able to conceive. Apparently, she is not alone. Frank Newport reports in his article “Fertility, Marriage and the Power of Social Norms” that even though fertility issues have become more common and dropping, “very recent data does show a leveling off in the decline in the U.S. fertility rate.” So why am I bringing this up? Well, if you think about it, the decision, or desire, to have children becomes less simple. It’s not always a matter of when but if you’ll be able to have children. Infertility challenges the idea that having kids is just the next box to check off on the life to-do list. For people like Jennifer, those casual questions about babies aren’t just nosy, they are a painful reminder of loss, and trying and not succeeding.
This pain is more common than we often acknowledge. According to the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) “about 9% of men and about 11% of women of reproductive age in the United States have experienced fertility problems” (NICHD). Infertility is not just a “rare issue,” it affects millions of people across genders. In fact, about one in five women will experience it at some point, and many men will too (Cleveland Clinic). Jennifer’s experience made me realize how social norms can hurt. Those questions about having children are not only uncomfortable for people who are struggling with infertility, but also for people whose paths to parenthood look different from the so-called “norm.” By the way, who created those?
Moving beyond the struggles of infertility, there are others whose journeys to parenthood don’t align with conventional expectations. For example, let’s talk about the person who doesn’t fit into the mold of a “typical” relationship. Like the girl who doesn’t want a boyfriend or the boy who doesn’t want a girlfriend. Instead, they want to date their own gender and not have to worry about that look people give them when they share that they want children. In the United States 18% of the LGBTQ+ community, that’s 2.57 million people, are parenting children (Gates). This may seem like a lot of people, but marginalized communities often face extra hardships to start a family. Adoption laws, accessing fertility treatments, or simply being seen as valid parents in the eyes of others are just some of the stressful factors that may influence people when it comes to the desire to have children. (Amodeo, et al.)
This raises another branch of inquiry: how does modern society’s view of what makes a “valid” parent shape whether people want to have children in the first place? Modern society’s expectations around what makes a “valid” parent can deeply influence a person’s desire to have children, especially for those who don’t fit the traditional mold of heterosexual, married couples. Single parents can be seen as incomplete, younger moms are “too young,” older dads are “too old” and vice versa. Research from Single Parent Rights indicates that up to 80% of 1083 single parents experience discrimination, with negative stereotypes (Single Parents). This societal pressure can lead to feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty for those who don’t follow the traditional path, making the desire to have children more complicated. Instead of focusing solely on the love and capability parents may have to be focused on societal judgements about their suitability.
When I step back, I see that all these pressures about time, money or societal expectations aren’t just obstacles in the way of parenthood. They shape how the desire itself forms, evolves, and even fades for some people. It’s not that some people don’t want children, but for others it’s just that wanting them starts to create so many “ifs”. If I can afford it. If I have a partner. If I can be the “right” kind of parent. In a world where everything feels like it needs to be justified or explained, even something as personal and emotional as wanting a child can become blurry by feelings of doubt and hesitation. That doesn’t mean the desire disappears, though. It shifts our perspectives and puts a pause until we are ready to act on it.
But there’s also something heavier hanging in the background of these conversations, something less personal and more global. I’ve heard so many people in my age group say, “I just don’t want to bring kids into this messed up world.” And honestly, it’s hard to blame them. Between the accelerating climate crisis, mass shootings, global pandemics, and political instability, the world doesn’t always feel like a safe or stable place for a future generation. We’ve seen entire towns destroyed by wildfires in California, temperatures rising to dangerous levels across Europe and the U.S., and floods wiping out homes in places from Pakistan and Florida. Just in the past few years, kids have had to practice active shooter drills in school, live through lockdowns, and watch their parents lose jobs or homes. According to Pew Research, 38% of adults under 50 who say they’re unlikely to have children cite “concerns about the state of the world” as a major reason (Minkin and Horowitz). That’s not just a fringe opinion. It’s a growing trend. And it’s not even about pessimism; it’s about-facing harsh realities. The idea of raising a child while natural disasters become the norm, political systems feel increasingly broken, and basic safety feels uncertain can make the idea of parenthood feel more like a burden than a blessing.
In fact, the concern is so widespread that some countries are offering financial incentives to encourage people to have more children, but even then, it hasn’t been enough. Japan (spending $22 billion in 2023), South Korea (spending over $270 billion since 2006), and China have tried monthly cash payments and tax breaks for new parents, and yet their birth rates continue to drop (FP Explainers). The United States has also recently started discussing “baby bonuses” in the face of declining birth rates. But you literally can’t even pay people to feel optimistic about the future. So maybe it’s not that people don’t want kids, but that they’re unsure if it’s fair to bring a child into a world that feels like it’s burning at the edges. I’ve had friends admit they would love to raise a child, but they worry about what kind of life that child would inherit. Will they have clean air to breathe? Access to affordable healthcare? A safe school environment? These questions aren’t meant to scare. They’re real concerns that shape how people think about parenthood. It’s not just a personal decision anymore, it feels like an ethical one.
So maybe being a mom isn’t as simple as “choosing mom” during a game of house. But, maybe understanding what shapes that choice in modern life helps make the dream feel a little more possible, even if it looks different than what I imagined at ten. I used to think the desire to have children was just something people either had or didn’t. I understand now how much that desire is influenced by everything around us: Our schedules, our finances, our relationships, and even the quiet (or loud) judgements we hear from others. Maybe asking questions about who we are, what we value, and what we’re willing to sacrifice is a sign of growing up. When I decide to become a mom, I know it won’t be a game of pretending and the decision will be about making peace with reality.
Works Cited
Amodeo, Anna Lisa, et al. “Parenting Desire and Minority Stress in Lesbians and Gay Men: A Mediation Framework.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, vol. 15, no. 10, 2018, p. 2318.
Cleveland Clinic. “Infertility: Causes & Treatment.” Cleveland Clinic, 2023.
Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. “Infertility.” National Institutes of Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2024.
FP Explainers. “Why South Korea, Japan and China Can’t Convince Citizens to Have Children.” Firstpost, First Post, 28 Feb. 2024.
Gates, Gary J. “LGBT Parenting in the United States.” Williams Institute, Feb. 2013.
Gopnik, Adam. “Bumping into Mr. Ravioli: A Theory of Busyness, and its Hero.” The New Yorker 23 (2002): 2002. Print.
Parker, Tim. “How Much Does It Cost to Raise a Child in the U.S.?” Investopedia, Dotdash Meredith, 22 Jan. 2025.
Reginaldo, Caique. Personal Interview. 28 March 2025.
Single Parents. “Discrimination Research.” Single Parent Rights, 2020.
Suring, Michiel. Imagining a Good Life Without Children. 2022. Utrecht University, Master’s Thesis, Anthropology.