by Brianne Riccio
Brianne is a nursing major living in Holbrook, Massachusetts. Brianne wrote this essay because “dating in 2019 is insanely difficult and more complicated than it has to be,” and she admits that her research revealed “more faults in my own personal dating life and mentality than I had previously known.” Brianne is deeply passionate about caring for others, and enjoys writing both as a way to help her relieve her own emotional burdens and as a way to connect with other people.
I have been having the hardest time creating quality friendships and relationships. We live in such a fast paced world, where everything is so immediate and everyone says “I want it right now and I am going to get it right now.” That attitude may be great for certain things, but not everything. I have felt lately that these fast paced, easy access apps and knowledge that our phones offer us has been shaping and molding the current generation to become dissatisfied if things do not come quickly. This is where I found I was dissatisfied: I personally do not want that quickness in my personal relationships. Men whom I do not even know, walk up and ask for my number. Most call it “shooting your shot”; I call it disgusting. When did hookup culture, dating apps, and speed dating become a social norm? When did “messing around” in college become the determining factor of your college experience?
Maybe I should be flattered when a guy runs up to me begging for a chance, but I do not want that quick relationship or quick hookup. So why does it seem like everyone around me wants that style of dating? This whole topic got me thinking: why does my generation suck at dating? I was unaware that when I began studying at a university for my bachelors degree in Nursing, I would be signing myself up to be bombarded with aspiring bachelors as well. In a broader sense, what exactly has caused the current generation to be addicted to communication via social media, but somehow be left feeling unsatisfied with dating? Could these issues be linked to the way we “communicate” through social media?
I have not been the only person contemplating these questions about modern methods of dating. With many advances, whether they be technological, social, industrial, or ecological, comes the opportunity for many setbacks and disadvantages, those of which may have been unforeseen at the start. Having social media, the internet, and cell phones, all of which we would consider advantages, has led many speculations and studies to be done on the effects of using those things constantly. Every generation has its issues, that is undeniable, but with something as obvious as the development and popularity of social media influencing only the youth of this generation, it may very well be an easy scapegoat for all the new issues developing.
Through research, as I assumed, I find that the majority of young adults use social media everyday. According to a study conducted at the University of Montana in 2016, 90% of young adults ages 18-29 use social media (Vaterlaus et al, 594). And a recent study, “I Just Text to Say I Love You” found that undergraduate college students are likely to spend a daily average of 90 minutes just sending texts (Ohadi). As you can see, a lot of young adults use their cell phones to communicate. Within social media, young adults are posting, direct messaging, Snapchating, liking, swiping, and retweeting. Something so constant in the lives of adolescents must have an effect on their personality, as well as, their relationships. Through these forms of social media, relationships can be made, maintained, enhanced, or damaged.
The study conducted by Montana State University had adolescents ages 18-29 report their perceived influences of Snapchat on their inter-personal relationships. The young adults in this study were found to report that they believed social media affects their relationships, both negatively and positively (Vaterlaus et al, 595). The researchers found that closeness and trust are two common findings associated with the enhancement of relationships through Snapchat. Deviant behavior, attachment, loneliness, and jealousy are common findings that would be considered negative impacts of communicating through social media (598). These results show that the effects of communicating through our phones is not undetectable; adolescents are aware of its influence. Could closeness in this case, be entirely emotional, void-filling, and situational? Is this closeness synonymous with the intimacy that we crave in our personal relationships? From a survey I created for this study, 87.5% of the sample size of 25 college students said they felt closer to people when they were constantly communicating with them via social media. But with the removal of social media communication, would the closeness in these adolescent relationships still remain? We say social media makes us feel close, but lonely; trusting, but jealous. We say we like the closeness, but hate the attachment. Do we experience these contradictions together, or one after the other? Could we consequently be sacrificing our self-sufficient independent personas for reliant co-dependence in our relationships when we rely heavily on communication through social media? The “deviant behavior” promoted through Snapchat, known among young adults as the “nudes app”, is a factor that cannot be ignored (598). I cannot remember the last time someone ran up to me naked, but the amount of nude pictures circling the internet is shocking. What I found was that this study about Snapchat lacked a solid conclusion on whether these influences truly affected the personalities of young adults outside of social media.
With the responses from the study conducted at the University of Minnesota, can we safely assume that the positive and negative effects are only influencing young adults when they are looking at their phones and texting their friends and significant others? Research shows that the way we use social media affects not only the way we communicate online, but in person too. According to “Texting’s Consequences for Romantic Relationships”, a study by Daniel Halpern and James Katz, about the influences texting has on romantic relationships, texting style and behavior have a direct influence on couple’s satisfaction in their relationship. The study found that constant communication among couples decreased intimacy and led individuals to have a false sense of availability from their partners (Halpern and Katz 387). Having absolute access, or what we believe to be absolute access, to our partners through social media can lead to the assumption that they are always there, and therefore creates an over-dependency that can be toxic. This availability social media presents us with, is causal to satisfaction, because of course our significant others are not always available to us (391). Intimacy is decreased due to these unfulfilled expectations. This idea promotes the same false sense of closeness, and once again contradicts the textbook level intimacy we crave.
But what happens when the influence of social media on your relationships is a constant, bombarding banner notification flashing across your screen, and a ding every time it wants your attention? You can only compartmentalize for so long, assuming such behavior in one aspect of your life will not seep into other parts of your life is seen to be far from the truth. The fast-paced “I want it now” attitude that social media has promoted and allowed for, is seeping into the real lives and actions of young adults.
Although the alleged closeness is a desired outcome of using social media to support your relationships, try getting closer to someone who does not actually exist outside of your phone. No, this is not cat-fishing exactly, but it might as well be. The usage of social media has allowed our generation to pick and choose the parts of ourselves we wish others to see.The texts we send are premeditated, and at times not even naturally occurring. Our social media profiles and conversations are not all encompassing, they are very selective. We showcase the good parts, and only what we want others to see. According to the article “Modern Dating”, “The goal is to appear approachable yet guarded. Uninterested yet very interested. Aloof but passionate. It’s all so premeditated and contradictory” (“Modern Dating”). This means that by having profiles that we can choose and photos we can edit, we are creating an ideal version of ourselves. At some point, we began cowardly hiding our true selves behind filters and captions and pickup lines, marketing ourselves as perfect beings, when in reality we are quite the opposite of perfect. Everything we do through social media is selective, all for our personal benefit. We want to maintain an image, even in our relationships. We cannot respond too quickly or we are clingy; we cannot respond too slowly or we risk losing the interest of our partner. I can attest to that selective self-marketing social media allows. This filtering of not just our faces, but our lives, creates a rift in intimacy that almost mimics building a relationship on outright lies.
Also stated by Mark Podesta and Amy Nunes from the article “Modern Dating”, “Texting can be so noncommittal. You can easily guard yourself from the vulnerability of an in person conversation” (“Modern Dating”). In summary, this article explains that there is a vulnerability in face-to-face interaction, a certain feeling of butterflies that cannot be felt through a direct message inbox or a Snapchat that disappears in five seconds (“Modern Dating”). This has left me to wonder that if as a generation, we are too afraid of commitment and confrontation to live without a screen protecting us from our own truths. We are hiding behind our phones, swiping left and right; yet we are too afraid to date and we are too afraid to show who we truly are.
The purpose of my research is not to pick out every flaw of my generation, as there are some positive findings related to social media usage and relationships. Although I fear, the positives only strengthen the negatives in the end. As found by a cohort study “Young Adults’ Use of Commnication Technology Within Their Romantic Relationships and Associations with Attachment Style, conducted in 2011 to analyze how attachment style affected young adults who use social media, “Electronic communication is also found to enhance mutual self-disclosure and emotional intimacy, and greater cell phone use among college students with a romantic partner was associated with more love and commitment and decreased relational uncertainty” (1772). There is a feeling of non-judgement in electronic communication. I have found even within my own life, that at times it is easier to write something than to speak it. A lot of young people feel that way, as seen in this cohort study. The adolescents surveyed in the study also reported feeling emotional intimacy between them and their partners when communicating through their phones (1774). I question again the stability of such intimacy, when it is premeditated. A finding within this cohort that is new to my research is the idea that there is a correlation between satisfaction in the relationship and electronic communication. “Decreased relational uncertainty” is a strong point I would like to address, with the same critical view I did with the closeness it claimed (1772). The decreased uncertainty is merely socially enforced. People have been completely satisfied with their relationships for centuries without social media. Technology can enhance relationships, as I mentioned previously we should use the advantages given to us, but our relationship satisfaction should not depend on that form of constant communication, for then we risk dependency and loss of self.
That being said, the enhancement of our relationships through social media communication is very common today. Are you truly in a relationship if you do not post that envied (more like hated) couple-kissing selfie? Did you change your relationship status on Facebook? Does your entire following base on Instagram know you are taken? We vocalize our relationships through pictures and statuses. Yet as research has shown, we are building relationships that do not function outside of technology. As a result of our addiction to closeness via social media, we romanticize the following as if they are new and special: a call on the phone, being able to hold a conversation, our significant other asking us about our day, someone asking you questions about yourself with the goal of just getting to know you, actually asking you out on a date, making an effort to see you once a week. Hate to break it to half of the girls I know, but those are all bare-minimum, expected efforts. Yet here we are romanticizing that communication. Communication is an action. Just as selective as we are when online dating, we are selectively choosing communication to be solely texting, emailing, calling, Tweeting, writing, Snapchatting, and posting. We forget communication is happening outside of our phones.
From the results of my research, dating sucks today because we market perfection knowing how far from it we truly are, while simultaneously expecting perfection from others. We romanticize perfect moments and effort, when dating and life are far from perfect. We assume immediate gratification of our needs, because the gratification on our phones is so instant. Can I blame the boy running up to me for my number, when he is so used to immediate responses to his Snapchat posts? Can I judge the girl who dragged her breakup out for three months, when she just missed the constant notifications and having someone to text 24-7? There are many positive results to using social media in personal relationships, but the negative effects exist as well. In conclusion, I believe communication is stronger and weaker than it has ever been for this generation. The strength is in the frequency and the simplicity of technology; the weakness is in ourselves. As one thing does not create addiction, but stimulates an addictive personality, the same way technology amplifies personality traits we already possess. Insecurities are amplified, and vulnerabilities are unmasked, but is that not the risk we take in dating anyway?
Works Cited
Halpern, Daniel, and James Katz. “Texting’s Consequences for Romantic Relationships: A Cross-lagged Analysis Highlights Its Risks.” Computers in Human Behavior 71 (2017): 386-94.
Morey, Jennifer N., Amy L. Gentzler, Brian Creasy, Ann M. Oberhauser, and David Westerman. “Young Adults’ Use of Communication Technology within Their Romantic Relationships and Associations with Attachment Style.” Computers in Human Behavior 29.4 (2013): 1771-1778.
“Modern Dating.” UWIRE Text, 12 Mar. 2014, p. 1. Academic OneFile. Accessed 14 May 2019.
Ohadi, Jonathan, Brandon Mulloy Brown, Leora Trub, and Lisa Rosenthal. “I Just Text to Say I Love You: Partner Similarity in Texting and Relationship Satisfaction.” Computers in Human Behavior 78 (2018): 126-32.
Riccio, Brianne. “Online Dating” Survey. May 1, 2019.
Vaterlaus, J. Mitchell, Kathryn Barnett, Cesia Roche, and Jimmy A. Young. “Snapchat Is More Personal”: An Exploratory Study on Snapchat Behaviors and Young Adult Interpersonal Relationships.” Computers in Human Behavior 62 (2016): 594-601.