Introduction
I began this project with the unanswerable question of why we sleep. I was aiming for something akin to Susan Mitchell’s use of mixing facts with narrative in “Notes Toward a History of Scaffolding” by using the seven theories of why we snooze to think through my own memories (D’Agata 233). Perhaps it’s because he breaks it down into distinct, categorized pieces instead of naming the essay in whimsical, intangible terms like “methodically unmethodical,” (Klaus xxiii) but Huxley’s three poles of the personal and autobiographical, concrete-particular, and the abstract-universal is what I see as the best working framework for the essay as a form (Klaus 88). Therefore, I began with the factual pole and an abstract inquiry as a way to think through the autobiographical piece of essay.
Quickly, the personal pieces of my essay overtook the concrete. I could have incorporating threads of objective statistical data about marriage survival, etc. but it seems like it would bring forth my intent for the abstract-universal pieces too quickly and blatantly. I wonder if it is enough for the concrete-particular to be present in the process of essay writing, even if it’s invisible in the end result.
I wrote the first draft of my textual essay using the first person, telling stories of my relationship to sleep with focus on the stories. Following my reading of Sara Levine’s “Self on the Shelf,” however, my attention shifted to how I was constructing my essayistic persona. Levine discusses the movement of self, a “shuttl[ing] back and forth between linguistic registers” (166) and writes, “…even though the essayist’s self is a fiction, we want it to be a complex fiction, with thoughts as well as second thoughts, a psyche that catches fire occasionally; a self that moves” (161). From this, I began to think through how I could make my essayist persona more complex, by moving my “self.” So, I began experimenting with shifting pronouns, creating a division between the first person of my awake life and the second person pronouns of mine and my husband’s dream selves. Using “she” instead of “I” in talking about the things I do in my sleep allowed me to exhibit the divisiveness and resentment I feel about that part of myself without needing to outright say that. Levine goes on to write, “So often the ‘plot’ of a personal essay, it’s drama, its suspense, consists in watching how far the essayist can drop past his or her psychic defenses toward deeper levels of honesty” (161). In embracing shifting pronouns, I think I began to achieve this, to make my “self” move to a more intimate place within the text.
While I do think that Huxley’s polemic model is the best guideline for the textual essay, as I moved into the audio form of my essay, I felt as though something was missing in his dialectical paradigm. As I listened to Sarah Vowell’s audio essay, “City Mouse, Country Mouse,” I came to realize that though Huxley’s model encourages essayists to put different perspectives in conversation with one another, they’re all going through the singular filter of the author. As Vowell constructed her piece, she clearly had an understanding of the opinions that would be conveyed by her family members and could have easily relayed them herself, but would be in danger of presenting listeners with a monologue on the dangers of small town life and the liberal evolution that can come from expanding horizons. In choosing instead to let her mother, father, and sister speak their own opinions, however, Vowell cultivates community in her audio essay, with multiple perspectives that are reliable, as listeners can hear the unmanipulated question and answer pairing of different voices not translated to us through the lens of Vowell’s perspective.
Through using the voices of other “players” in her essay, Vowell executes the core essay characteristic of dialectical thinking by exploring ideas through putting multiple voices into conversation with one another. This tool makes the essay a cooperative and community-driven experience with the transportive quality of a novelic omniscient narrator that takes us into the minds and personalities of the characters. It broadens and brings to life what the written essay cannot move.
William Gass writes in his piece, “Emerson and the Essay,” “If there is too much earnestness too great a need to persuade, a want of correct convictions in the reader is implied, and therefore an absence of community” (Klaus 24). As I dove in to my audio essay, the goal for my essay became creating some type of community within it—beyond the different poles of my own perspective that I can inhabit—to include the voices of other members of my memories. I first brought in a conversation with my sister and quickly discovered how difficult it is to simply condense a conversation into a succinct perspective when working in audio. I also brought in my husband’s response to my initial textual essay. This was written in the form of a poem, which I chose to overlay with my own voice and pieces of things I had said throughout the essay in hopes that I could bring forth the abstract-universal comments on marriage I was beginning to make. I also did the intermixing of voices at the end of my audio essay to experiment with the different ways that voices can be used to bring a cooperative piece to essays.
As I moved into the video transformation of my essay, the visual aspect seemed to make the idea of having multiple voices very challenging in an indescribable way. Watching Penny Lane’s “Voyagers,” however, repositioned my efforts in constructing the video form to be focused on using an outside metaphor to bring in the sense of a concrete-particular aspect. I found the answer in the form of CCTV videos from grocery stores during earthquakes. By bringing back this third pole of Huxley’s model that dissolved during the writing of my first textual essay, I was able to ground my discussion of emotionally fragility in the characteristic of physical objects being a moment from falling at any given second. I also brought back the idea of shifting pronouns that had been brought to my textual essay by Levine’s discussion of the self. This time, with the help of visual representations, I positioned and moved my self in relation to my audience using “you” for different recipients of my words—moving within an extrospective realm, rather than an introspective one.
Lastly, I returned to text, carrying with me all of the pieces from my transformations to and from different mediums. I chose to maintain the extrospective movement of my essayistic self, using “you” to speak to several different people. Since I no longer had the visual help of photographs to signal to readers that I was shifting my words toward a new person, I chose to experiment with an e-mail format. In doing this, I aimed to not only easily shift from one target to the next without too much confusion, but to create another dimension of the abstract-universal pole, embracing the desire most members of the world today have to spill out all of the things they’d like to say to people in a faceless way, with the simple press of a “send” button. I also hoped, in using the format of e-mail, to bring forth the way that the digital world can and has allowed us to have a voice beyond what we can bring ourselves to say face-to-face—for better or worse. Likewise, without the visual representation of the fragility of items on a grocery store shelf, I decided to make the words on the page my physical representative objects. In this, I emulated David Antin’s use of the words in “The Theory and Practice of Postmodernism: A Manifesto” to illustrate his topic of a lumpy mattress (D’Agata 111).
I think this final version of my essay illustrates my current working understanding of the essay as a form. Bringing Huxley, Adorno, and Montaigne to one simplified and injust modern rendition of their many definitions of the essay: the essay is a weaving and mixing of medias.
WhenISleepI: Revised
From: Rachel Meter <racheljmmeter@gmail.com>
Sent: Tue 12/15/2015 4:04 PM
To: You
Subject: I was born last into a family of five.
As a child, my personhood was most marked by the tantrums I threw to avoid going to sleep alone. I didn’t become possessed with night terrors or wake up in cold sweats, unaware of where I was. I slept soundly and deeply, rarely remembering the thoughts and creatures that whirled behind my eyelids in the enclosure of my mind. Something about slipping into that other world, though, being unaware of what was happening around me, chilled me so much so that I would cry for hours, stomping and begging my siblings and parents not to make me sleep alone, to protect me as I d r i f t e d i n t o myself.
From: Rachel Meter <racheljmmeter@gmail.com>
Sent: Wed 6/21/2015 12:38 PM
To: Keith Morrow <kmorrow@hughes.net>
Subject: Do you remember when I came home that summer after my sophomore year?
You had Mom called me downstairs to the living room. I flew down, unexpecting, happy to be home. Mom asked me to sit, but you swiftly said no. You’ve never had a flare for the dramatic. You said blankly that you and she had decided to go your separate ways, as if telling me you were r u n n i n g to the gro
cery store
—did I want anything?
I shouldn’t have been surprised, you were true to form–odd, quiet, straight-forward.
The months that followed were filled with insomnia. Me, wide awake, picturing you, a rumbling log in the bed you shared for twenty-seven years.
I convinced myself that you had Aspergers.
You: unfigurable, unfeeling.
Solution: involuntary social behavior disorder.
Me: understanding, sympathetic.
It worked for a moment until
Mom: laughter, disagreement.
You must have a secret life with a hidden affair then, I resolved. After months, I got the courage to call Mom and beg her to tell me you had cheated on her. I had high hopes for a reason that many movies could clarify for me. “No,” she told me.
Not “No, he didn’t cheat on me, the solution isn’t a deceptive heart,”
but “No, I won’t make him out to be a monster.”
You: undiagnosable.
From: Rachel Meter <racheljmmeter@gmail.com>
Sent: Fri 5/15/2015 6:49 PM
To: Sarah Baker <sarahmorrowbaker@gmail.com>; Jesse Morrow <j1310m@gmail.com>
Subject: You convinced me I was adopted for many years.
Both of you, with oval faces, thin bodies and thoroughly obedient behaviors. Me, with a plump layer that buried by knuckles in little dimples, a round face, and an unreasonably rebellious spirit. The thought of my unbelonging lingered for years. It seemed plausible, until we were cleaning out Grandma and Grandpa’s house that summer after he got Cancer and she couldn’t take care of him. I cracked o p e n an old, stiff album that was tucked away in the back of the closet. It was full of school pictures of me, in male form. Dad and I could pass as twins, if I ever go back in time.
From: Rachel Meter <racheljmmeter@gmail.com>
Sent: Tue 1/5/2015 9:20 AM
To: Zachary Meter <zacharykmeter@gmail.com>
Subject: We married young on a warm and breezy day–me, twenty-two, and you twenty-three.
We weren’t clueless about the challenges ahead, but I’m not sure we could have prepared, either. Whether we go to bed with reddened, puffy eyes, or giggling that make us feel like we’re children at a slumber party, you always hold me so sweetlyandstrongly as we d r i f t asleep.
Most nights, I must confess, as we leave the world we share, I spend my time meeting new men and reuniting with old flings. The me of my dreams loves to flaunt how easy it would be to f
a
ll in love anew.
Last night, she cheated on you with an old high school crush. She only kissed him, I think, but it did make us feel a small vindication, or satisfaction, about what never happened before that I so wished would have. You were there too, but as some backwoods form of yourself, who, upon discovering what she had done, went straight to the trunk of your car, in a barbecue stained t-shirt, and grabbed your tire iron, out for vengeance.
rise
My eyes opened to the and
fall of your chest, my hand nestled in your short, curly hairs, rising
and
falling with it and I bore the guilt of what she had done all day. This wasn’t the first time she’s slipped up and I assume it won’t be the last. I think she wants to sabotage our marriage.
Does your world ever take you to a similar place? I’ve never asked you, for fear you’ll return the question, but maybe the you of your dreams does it too, and it doesn’t have to imply anything about the us of our world. Perhaps it’s their way of reminding me how happy we are with each other. Maybe they don’t hate our marriage, and they do the adulterous things they do to leave us grateful in the morning that we still have each other and our world to share. Maybe they know we need to see what we’ve missed out on, the loves we gave up, so we awaken feeling guilty, affirmed that what we have in our world is what we really want to keep. That’s what I’d prefer to tell myself
—that all of us is on the same page of being for our marriage—
that we just go about preservation in different ways.
Or, perhaps cheating is something every married person has to consider to some degree in order to actively reject it and maintain the relationship or accept the option and end it. So, she’s merely carrying that burden for me, knowing that if it crossed my mind in the world I share with you, the guilt would be unbearable. Perhaps my Dad’s dreamself wasn’t so considerate and the guilt of thinking it, of accepting the option to cheat, wound him so tightly into himself that he could only get out that most crushing statement in a
ung alone in the air,
monotoned, shopping trip voice that h unmoving.
My fear is, of course, what I’ve been scared to tell you—that she does the things she does in my world because it’s what I really want for our world.
From: Zachary Meter <zacharykmeter@gmail.com>
Sent: Tue 1/5/2015 12:02 PM
To: Rachel Meter <racheljmmeter@gmail.com>
Subject: RE: We married young on a warm and breezy day–me, twenty-two, and you twenty-three.
You know I’m not a poet, but I got you’re email and wasn’t really sure what to say, so I wrote this:
I sleep and I dream, often not one with the other.
I slumber in a world of lies and stories,
some abstract,
some excruciatingly factually intact.
All sins done in snooze with their guilt or the blues,
are forgiven when my phone blares and I open my eyes on you.
Because you are what I have done. You and I are true.
But I dream, too. Not as I’m sleeping, but worse, sometimes afternoon.
Terrible things from murders, deaths, and heists to ex-lovers, drugs, and fights.
All contained in this cloud that visits when I wander.
Never temptation, as I don’t let him in, but only to consider and end in revulsion.
Neither lust for another nor a murderous rage are things I allow on my dream stage. Though, just to picture a thought in your dreams, does not make them so,
even if
it seems.
Because you are what I have done. You and I are true.
From: Rachel Meter <racheljmmeter@gmail.com>
Sent: Tue 11/17/2014 4:04 PM
To: Cathy Morrow <cathymorrow@gmail.com>
Subject: I know it crushed you
to call it quits with Dad, but he wasn’t willing to work at it. You were choice-less, right? I remember how you wrote letters to your friends, telling them about the split because you couldn’t bear to tell them face-to-face. I was surprised that you told me about it, and that you shared with me the responses they sent you. You were so private and unwilling to be the open book I wanted you to be through that time. I saw myself as a vital thread in the binding of you and Dad. You saw me as a separate, floating thread outside of your union, not privy to the intimate details.
Out of the blue, though, you told me that that your friend, Shannon, happily married for 30-something years, had written back to you saying simply,
“We understand. We’re all just a
moment
away
from
f
a
l
ling.”
Were you trying to warn me?
Bibliography
D’Agata, John, ed. The Next American Essay. Minneapolis: Greywolf Press, 2003. Print.
Klaus, Carl H., and Ned Stuckey-French, eds. Essayists on the Essay: Montaigne to Our Time.
Iowa City: University of Iowa Press, 2012. Print.
Vowell, Sarah. “Country Mouse, City Mouse.” This American Life. WBEZ, Chicago. 4 Apr.
1997. Radio.
Lane, Penny. “The Voyagers.” Online Video. Vimeo. Vimeo, 4 July 2010. Web. 18 Dec. 2010.
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