Life Writing

UMass Boston Blog by Patricia Polednia

Revision

The Fear of Gas

“Could you make me some salad, please?” was the first thing I heard entering the kitchen. My landlords were sitting at the table and watching Fox News, as always. I don’t know why they watch this conservative TV channel, which confuses subjective opinions with objective journalism. They are a liberal and open-minded couple, and any other station would suit them better. I guess they just press the power button and Fox is happen to be on, or they are hidden Republicans inside. Or they just want to be informed what kind of nonsense Trump is spreading. I don’t know. I just know that I am hungry as hell. “Patricia, do you want a steak?” Of course I want a steak. I think I have never refused free food, especially here in Boston. The prices are crazy expensive, unless you don’t want to buy five packages for half of the prize. But I don’t need five pieces of ham wrapped in plastic, I just need one. This is not good. This kind of consumerism leads to food waste and the destruction of our environment. It may make sense for a big family, but if you are an exchange student with a limited budget and storage place, you have to pay the original price.

“In conclusion, it appears to me that nothing can be more improving to a young naturalist, than a journey in distant countries. It both sharpens, and partly likewise allays that want and craving, which, […] On the other hand, as the traveler stays but a short space of time in each place, his descriptions must generally consist of mere sketches, instead of detailed observation. Hence arises, as I have found to my cost, a constant tendency to fill up the wide gaps of knowledge, by inaccurate and superficial hypotheses.” (Charles Darwin The Voyage of the Beagle 1839)

I don’t want to complain all the time. I have a feeling that’s all what the international students are doing. They complain about the weather, the workload at university and the expensive domestic flights. But what bothers them the most is the quality of food. Seriously, I have a feeling that you smuggle sugar in everything: bread, pesto, and don’t get me started with chocolate! Eh! You can get cookies for $1, but if you want French cheese you have to pay over $10. That’s insane. It’s the same with cosmetic products. I never paid so much for cotton sticks and rounds in my life. Maybe I am so sensitive about the money because the exchange rate for the dollar is not so good, it’s almost one to one. Or I just haven’t figured out the cheapest stores. I don’t know. Maybe I am just not used to using coupons and all this stuff. Or having a membership card for every shop. We don’t have that in Germany.

“Through the principle of associated habit, the same movements of the face and eyes are practised, and can, indeed, hardly be avoided, whenever we know or believe that others are blaming, or too strongly praising, our moral conduct.” (Charles Darwin The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals 1872)

My housemate recently discovered the dating app tinder to meet American guys. She is from Paris and broke up with her boyfriend when she arrived at Boston. She is one of those girls who always jump from one relationship to another, not being able to be single. I really like to be a woman and do girly stuff: go shopping, getting ready for a party and talk about relationships, or rather gossip. That’s what we do in this house, three girls from Italy, France and Germany, with Polish origin. I am a single child and always wanted to have a bigger sister. I kind of image it would be like this, but I could be wrong. Anyway, all I want to say is that I really enjoy spending time with them, as friends and not only as housemates. But at a certain point, I just cannot bear the same conversation again and again. “I don’t know what to do, he’s not texting me back. You think he doesn’t like me? But we had such a great time…” God, I am even rolling my eyes while writing this. I think that our social media communication is not promoting our social skills at all. I prefer to hear the voice of my partner, rather than to read a hastily typed message, which I will interpret the wrong way. But who am I to judge.

“Owing to this struggle for life, any variation, however slight and from whatever cause proceeding, if it be in any degree profitable to an individual of any species, in its infinitely complex relations to other organic beings and to external nature, will tend to the preservation of that individual, and will generally be inherited by its offspring. The offspring, also, will thus have a better chance of surviving, for, of the many individuals of any species which are periodically born, but a small number can survive. I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term of Natural Selection, in order to mark its relation to man’s power of selection.” (Charles Darwin On the Origin of Species 1859)

I am in the kitchen to prepare my lunch, pasta with disgusting pesto. I really don’t understand why the Italian brand Barilla produces their products for the American market with different ingredients. Sunflower instead of olive oil, and why is soya in it? I will embellish my pasta with parmesan cheese from Wisconsin, which doesn’t taste like Italian parmesan at all. Why do they call it parmesan cheese then? Anyway, as I walk down the stairs, I hear giggling coming from the kitchen. It’s my Italian and French housemate, they explore the possibilities of tinder, making fun of men they don’t find attractive. That’s kind of mean, I really feel for those poor souls, since I am also very un-photogenic. I am standing before the stove, putting the pot with cold water on it and take a deep breath, praying it would work this time. I go back to the cupboard to buy me some time, but I only gain a few seconds. Come on, I say to myself, it is just a fucking gas stove, no atomic bomb. Every idiot can handle this without thinking of blowing the whole house up. Why is it so difficult for me?

“May we not suspect that the vague but very real fears of children, which are quite independent of experience, are the inherited effects of real dangers and abject superstitions during ancient savage times?” (Charles Darwin Mind 1877)

Well, I was alone in the house having a bad cold a couple of weeks ago. I was hungry and wanted to warm up some leftovers from the day before. It was the first time for me to use the gas stove, and I should also mention at this point that I grew up in a household with an electric one. I pushed the button and turned it slowly, but no flame was coming out, only the disgusting smell of gas. I tried it a couple of times, but it wasn’t working. Maybe it’s the hotplate, so I try another. Not working. Meanwhile, the kitchen was filling with gas, not visible, but the repellent smell was everywhere. I panicked a little bit. What if some idiot would light on a candle or cigarette? The whole house would blow up and I would die! This thought was ridiculous, I was alone and nobody would ever light up a cigarette inside the house. I opened the windows to ventilate the room, but my heart was pounding, as if I try to conceal a crime. What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing happened, except that I wasn’t able to heat up my lunch. But it’s not only the gas. I have quite a lot of anxieties, when I think about it. Fear of germs and getting a cold, ducks, even though I got over that one. Maybe it’s my character, I am very insecure and check at least for three times if I have the key in my pocket. Actually that one is the fault of my control freak nature, and the reason why I have never barred myself out in my life. Why am I so anxious? Could be an inherited trait from earlier times? For example, you don’t eat rotten food, because it smells and looks bad, right? It is nature way of telling us not to eat it, so we don’t get sick and die. Not in our days of course, back when we were all cavemen. I think Darwin called it the survival of the fittest or natural selection. Only the ones who can adapt to new circumstances or environments can survive and reproduce, which is the meaning of life, isn’t it? Thank God I don’t want to have children. I would be a way too overprotective mum.

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