Establishing An Effective Roommate Relationship
Moving into a new living space comes with a variety of emotions; excitement, anxiety, maybe even dread. Moving into a new space with other people too can make this even more scary, but also may take some weight off your shoulders knowing that you aren’t alone! Finding a place, looking for a roommate, and getting your things packed up are most important, but laying down healthy, respectful, and mutually beneficial roommate agreements is what can truly make-or-break your new living situation. Establishing concrete roommate boundaries will assist in further disputes, help to keep your apartment looking it’s best, and keep you and your roommates from becoming passive-aggressive with each other! Here are some tips on how to do so.
After finding someone who is mutually agreed upon the forefront, and agreed upon sharing your living space, now is when the important conversations must happen. How you go about doing this depends on how comfortable you are, but a formal establishment/agreement should always be decided upon. Even better so, the agreement would be signed by all parties so if something were to happen, you would have a formal document with directions on how to handle a dispute.
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-Sample Roommate Agreement from CollegeXpress to establish expectations and boundaries between you and your housemates:
CollegeXpress College Roommate Agreement Template
This form is a great, fool-proof form that very clearly states what is allowed, and what is not.
-If you don’t find this form to be flexible enough for your needs, or find it to be too structured, there is also an option for you and your roommates to simply write down on a piece of paper what your expectations of each other will be. The important aspects to outline are finances, chores and cleaning, groceries, trash, and safety (including having over guests). Again, make this even more concrete by signing it and keeping it somewhere safe for future reference.
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Establishing Boundaries- Tips
-Make it concrete. After moving in, firstly discuss the things that are going to be the most important to you while living here: significant others, any allergies you may have, sleep schedules, smoking/drinking, and music. Specifically outline what is to be done if someone, for instance, does not pay their bills on time, or if someone is not cleaning up after themselves and/or participating in chores. These aspects should be mutually agreed upon, and both parties should be pleased with the outcome. This is a great opportunity to sign something formal so nothing can be changed without permission.
-Be open and willing to compromise. Sharing a living space with someone might take away some of the luxuries you were used to having on your own at home, but that is part of being an adult! While you may love to sleep in until 1:00 PM on Saturdays, your roommate should not be expected to be tiptoeing around the house in order to not wake you, it is both of your spaces. In the same sense, while your roommate is sleeping at 11:00 PM on a Saturday night, you should not be throwing a party outside their door!
-Hold yourself to the same standards you are holding your roommate(s) to. A good saying to keep in mind is “treat others how you want to be treated” or, to aim for the 60/40 rule, you do 60% of the work, the others get 40%. If you were alone, you would be doing 100%.
-Get in the habit of doing nice things for your roommate(s), and hopefully, the favor will be returned, and if you see that they are struggling, ask how/if you can help. If you come home to a sink full of dishes one day, maybe do your roommates a huge favor and load the dishwasher for them. If you have some extra time and food, treat the whole house to a shared breakfast/dinner! One day, you might be surprised to see they unexpectedly returned a favor. This might also help to create a *bonus* friendship!
-Find alternative spaces that you can escape to for some alone time. Sometimes you might want to be by yourself, your roommate might ask for some alone time, or you may need a quieter space from what your house normally is. Find places around you such as campus, the library, a café, or a park, that you can go to when your house might not be the best option! Remember, this is now a shared space meaning you do not have full entitlement to the space, and how it is used.
-Most importantly, be on top of your finances! The most meaningful way you can be respectful and maintain your healthy boundaries and relationship, is to be consistent with your finances. If you’re routinely short on rent, mooching off of others’ groceries, and complaining about being broke all the time, you might step on some toes around the house. It should never fall into the hands of your housemates to be responsible for paying your bills: when you don’t pay, everyone pays.
-Have common courtesies to your roommate(s), saying hello and goodbye can go a long way! We all know what feeling excluded or isolated feels like, so occasionally invite your roommate along to lunch, invite them to join in when you’re ordering delivery, or simply just sitting down and watching a movie together sometimes can fix all wounds. This includes the common courtesies of cleaning up after yourself and leaving the house in a presentable manner.
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Cleaning Tips. Each house does it differently, but make a decision amongst everyone on what system will work best in order to keep the house clean and presentable.
-One idea is a chore schedule/chart that tracks who cleaned what, and when. This can be done many ways: one person designated to one room, first come first serve, rotating duties, etc. The way you organize this is for you and your roommate(s) to decide.
-Another option that is not always as concrete and reliable, is just to take care of your own belongings, in other words, “everyone chips in”. When you use a dish, you clean and put it away immediately, not letting someone else pick up your slack. It’s also an option to use trade-off’s as a motivation for your slightly lazy roommate to do some work! Offer to cook dinner for the whole house if your roommate will wash dished and wipe down the kitchen afterwards, offer to wash the dishes if your roommate agrees to put them all away.
-Firmly establish what can and cannot be shared between roommates, as this is one factor that can quickly turn ugly between roommates. Often, items that are off-limits for shared use would be items such as food, toiletries, and clothes. Items that can be shared would often be furniture, kitchen utensils, pots and pans, and cleaning supplies. It is a good idea to use masking tape and a market to label things with your initials to make sure they are not mixed up with others. If you’re running short or see something of theirs that you’re interested in and really want to try, just remember to always be respectful and ask permission before doing do. If you use the last of something, always be quick to replace it.
-Be respectful of your roommates by optimizing your (often limited) space. It’s a smart idea to idealize your space by purchasing storage organizers; under-bed storage, drawer organizers/dividers, closet organizers, shoe racks, and bins. Some beds can be purchased with drawers already underneath them, which is a great place to keep things you might not want anyone to see or touch. It is important to keep yourself organized and clean, in respect towards your housemates.
-When things aren’t going as planned, report back to what you and your roommate initially outlined in your housing agreement form. This way, you don’t have to “personally” confront them, instead, you just simply remind them of what you both agreed upon, and what was to be done if not followed.
There’s additional help at offcampus@umb.edu if you need a little advice or a neutral party to help mediate.