For the revision of my essay I want to get away from the narrative. I told too much of the story behind my experiment in the first draft of my paper. In the rewrite of my paper I want to make sure to include information about other experiments that are similar to mine in some way. This will help me tell less of the story of my experiment because I will have to get into the details of other experiments and I only have so many pages that I can write without the paper getting long and boring. I want to sort of take some of the style of the essay that we read over in class the other day in that, the experiment was only foreshadowed and not directly discussed until about ten paragraphs in. Another thing that I want to do in my final paper is give you more of my insight on the experiment and how the experiment and the results made me feel. Also now that time has gone by since the experiment was conducted I want the essay to touch on whether or not the experiment had lasting effects in my apartment. To be honest my paper right now is not great. It is a boring five page story about an experiment. Once I make these revisions, my paper will improve immensly.