“Double Life” by Kelly Clover
Up, down, left, right. A, B. Up, A. Down, R.
“Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting!”
I was two when I fell into that world. It’s a memory that’s broken, a memory with no sound. It’s a single moment, like a photograph. My father is sitting in our old house in Tewksbury, his eyes focused as they stare into the television. There’s a controller in his hand. I watch him from the floor, the screen showing a map. He had lost again. I wanted to play. He couldn’t let me. He would lose his lives. I was bitter. But I could watch. And I did watch. There was another world in front of me, and I couldn’t look away.
And that was that. I haven’t looked away since.
Flash-forward. I sit on the subway, the world still and lifeless. I am no longer in that world. The subway looks gray, dull. The people look tired. I slip my DS from by bag, and I stare at it. Turning it on, color spilled into my eyes, and I was swallowed elsewhere.
When I looked around, everything looked different. There was blue, and there was red–the same blue and red I had always seen but somehow not the same at all.
I remember when I was seven. The air around me felt heavy. We were going to move. I didn’t want to—a new place was scary, and I was being ripped apart. Everything was being decided for me. I would open my mouth, but my words would be quiet and small.
That was when I got Blue version.
“Welcome to the world of Pokémon! My name is Birch. But everyone calls me the Pokémon Professor. This world is widely inhabited by creatures known as Pokémon. We humans live alongside Pokémon, at times as friendly playmates, and at times as cooperative workmates. And sometimes, we band together and battle others like us. But despite our closeness, we don’t know everything about Pokémon. In fact, there are many, many secrets surrounding Pokémon. To unravel Pokémon mysteries, I’ve been undertaking research. That’s what I do. And you are?”
I typed in my name on the screen: K-E-L-L-Y. I hit enter.
“All right, are you ready? Your very own adventure is about to unfold. Take courage, and leap into the world of Pokémon where dreams, adventure and friendships await!”
And I did.
I played it during the move. I could choose which direction I walked in. I could fight. I could save the world.
I could think about something other than the move.
School has always been hard. My insides are scrambled, the arrow pointing from me stunted.
What path should I take?
I didn’t know. Everything in front of me looked black, and my throat became tight.
“As you and your Pokémon live and grow in this changed world, I wonder what effect it will have on you. What will you think about? What ideals will you believe in? If we do get the chance to meet again, I hope you will be able to show me and my team the answers you’ve found. Until then…”
I took out Diamond version, and I looked down, not having to look forward. I switched on the game, and my second self came to life. The darkness disappeared, and color filled my lungs.
“Inside those three Poké Balls are Pokémon. Which one will you choose for yourself?”
I can choose. I can speak. I can run.
I can forget.
I look out the subway window. I keep my thoughts and words bottled inside of me. I’m someone who has trouble speaking up, who second guesses everything they say. As I sit on the subway, I feel as if I haven’t made my mark. Withdrawn, exploring this world can be hard and frightening. But elsewhere, I can travel, I can fight. I can change people for the better, I can stop evil, and I can become a Champion. I’ve always had this world–I’m not sure what it must be like to never know it. How changed I would be if it was never part of me at all.
I was to study abroad. As a Spanish major, it was required—at least one semester. That October, Y version was scheduled to be released. All I could think about was that I wouldn’t be able to play it.
When I went to Buenos Aires, I felt so alone. I was cut off from everything. I couldn’t use my phone. I couldn’t use my computer. I couldn’t even speak English.
And I couldn’t play my game.
I cried myself to sleep. I told myself it would get better, but a part of me knew that wasn’t true. I had been unhappy. For a while, now. But I swallowed it all down, like nothing was wrong at all.
Without my game, there was no escape. I was on my own.
And for the first time, I was forced to speak up.
I came home from Buenos Aires five days later. I transferred schools and changed majors. I did everything I was too afraid to do before.
Everything was different, and everything felt so dark and heavy. I just wanted to lie in bed and never move.
But when Y came out, I skipped class to buy it. When the screen turned on, my second self came to life, and I felt like I was home again.
I sit on the subway. I watch people move in and out of the train, wondering what it must be like to only be here, to only exist now.
It must be the same as someone seeing only in black and white, not knowing yet what it feels like to see color.
“… Hey… The actions that you’re taking now… Are they based on the ideals you cling to? Or are they based on actual truths? And if they are… How much of the truth do you think you know?”
Maybe I’m just running away from my own truth. That this is a crutch, that this world isn’t real. None of this is real. That’s what anyone would say.
It’s not real.
Maybe it is a crutch. Maybe it’s stunted me in some way. If the player didn’t exist, I would be someone else entirely, and maybe that would have been for the better.
Maybe I would have spoken up more. Maybe my words wouldn’t have been stuck. Maybe someone would have listened to them.
But sometimes there are no words. Sometimes you can’t speak. Sometimes the world changes, and things are out of your control.
And in those times, I can switch on my game, and the screen lights up with hope and warm familiarity.
“It’s not real.”
It is real. My feelings are real. The friendships I’ve made through it are real.
“Just as I have come to expect. You are truly an excellent Pokémon Trainer. Congratulations to you! And thank you… I had wanted to learn how you feel about this world, what kinds of ideals you have developed with your Pokémon… I feel I was able to find the answer in our battle. The feelings you have for your Pokémon… And the way that your Pokémon gave their all in battle in response to those feelings… Those two together created a great power. That is how you seized victory today. I felt a thrill of excitement in my breast when we first met, and now I know for sure that feeling was not misplaced! You are rightfully the Hoenn region’s new Champion!”