The Secrets we Keep 

“Just say that dad was not feeling well that’s why he decided not to come.”- Mom 

We were told in the car to tell everyone that dad was not feeling well that was why he decided not to come. Not that he and mom had gotten in a fight that ended with him not coming to New Years eve. At this point I had gotten pretty good at pretending that nothing was wrong and that I was not hurt when my father did not want to spend time with his family; so telling the rest our family that dad was “at home sick” was not something that seemed unnatural or wrong. I felt bad that I had to lie but I also did not want to admit that I was really hurt that he did not want to come with us.

Growing up I remember feeling like my Dad did not want to spend time with my mother, sister and I. Do not get me wrong I knew that he loved us, I just got the feeling that he did not enjoy spending time with us. In a way I almost felt that we were boring. How could we compare to $200 dollar dinners out with clients at some fancy restaurant in whatever city he happened to be in that night? I guess when it came down to it we couldn’t.

“You have a learning disability“

I used to hate school. Well not necessary school but reading. Reading was the class that I had to be taken out of the classroom for. When it was time for reading the majority of the class would get to stay in the classroom, but I and sometime one other student would leave and go to our own reading class. The teacher always did the best that she could to make in seem as if we were not “different” from the other students. But, I knew that in some way we were ” different”.

In middle school I remember being told that instead of getting to take an elective like everyone else I was being placed in what the school called “support”. Which was basically a place where students who needed extra help would go to work on homework. I remember hating it from day one. I liked the fact that I got to get my homework done, but I didn’t really see that point.  I was already the type of student that went home and did their homework so I did not see any point. I didn’t need help  focusing and I hated being labeled by students and teachers as one of the “SPED” kids.

Then there was the day that I found out that we “SPED” kids got different tests than everyone else. I remember being so angry. Not only did my teachers think that I needed extra support, now I was not even smart enough to take the same test as my classmates. That day I came home and told my mom what I had found out and she tried desperately to convince me that I was not “stupid” and that this was to help me. But even at the age of 12 I wanted absolutely no part of this.

By the end of eight grade I was told that my learning disability had some how gone away. It did not seem to be impacting my learning anymore so in high school I would be taken off of my IEP. I remember the feeling like finally I was going to be normal. Then my mother, as she often does, provided my the voice of reason. I believe her exact words were ” what the hell do you mean it went away”? How can a learning disability just go away? The experts recounted their statement that it “went away” saying that well it is clearly not impacting her ability to learn. In a sense they were right it was not effecting my learning because I had figured out how to cope with it and to learn in spite of it being an ongoing challenge.

Going it to high school I was happy to finally be one of the “normal” students; however part of me felt that I had to always keep secret the fact that I had a learning disability. I can remember being nervous that my disability would somehow poke through and that I would be once again forced out of the classroom. It was almost as if I had to keep my disability a secret. A secret that if anyone figured out would devastate the  educational path I was paving. I will admit that this is still something that struggle with. I worry that if people knew that I had a learning disability and that I wanted to eventually get a PhD in English they would laugh. So even today I do my best to keep it a secret.

Suck it up you are fine! 

Being someone who played sports for most of my life, this was a phrase that I heard often. As athletes we were not supposed to show that we were in pain; we were supposed to push through that pain. Pushing through the pain is what made us tough. The ability to ignore what your body is telling you is a coveted trait in athletes. No one ever wanted to be the first one who admitted that they could not do something. Admitting that you had been pushed beyond your limits is what made you weak.

I learned early on to ignore what my body was telling me. In a sense I had to if I ever wanted to be an athlete. Honestly, I am not even sure that I liked playing sports. I did when I was younger but once I got to high school it just did not seem worth it. Maybe the reason that I stayed with it for so long was that it was the only way I knew to make my father’s face light up. Sports were the one thing that he and I connected on it was something that we shared. Basketball gave me my father every Saturday morning in the winter and I loved that. He would coach our little in town league and I would play. But, by high school the in town league ended and it was only the high school teams. I guess that I imagined that it would be like it was when I played in elementary and middle school but it wasn’t.

My dad’s attendance at games got to be less and less. Which is understandable, I mean I couldn’t expect him to be at 3 games a week, but I began to feel that basketball wasn’t something that we connected on anymore. So, after not making varsity my junior year I quit playing. I actually quite playing all sports that year. Looking back now, that is the year that  my father and my relationship started to change. We lost our connection. Now I am pretty sure that we will never get it back because I am never going to be that kind of athlete again. I am no longer able to make him happy and secretly that kills me.

“I have to tell you something, I have feelings for you. But, I am married and maybe if this was a different time something could happen but we both know it can’t”… 

What do you say when the crazy fantasy that you had in your head turns in to reality? I knew that I had feelings for him but I was convinced that I was just another student fantasizing over someone that I knew I couldn’t have. Did I hope that he “liked” me back? Of course I did, but I had convinced myself that I was being ridiculous and that him actually falling for me was impossible. I was just another student with a crush on her professor.

I can recall that night like it was yesterday sometimes it feels like it was. We were both a little tipsy but we were not drunk. You took my hand and told me we were going for a walk. I, doing what I was told, went along with you even though I had no idea where we could possibly be going at that time of night. Once we were there you took both my hands and looked me in the eye and said that you had feelings for me( I am pretty sure the I love you came later). At first I had not idea what to say; was this actually happening?

I ended up confessing that I too had feeling for you and that I thought I was crazy for ever thinking you could have feelings for me. You laughed and then help me tightly in your arms as if you were never going to let go. At that point I knew that though we were not going to end up together we were always going to be connected. This probably why today I still struggle to let go of you.

On my walk back to my dorm, still spinning from what had just happened, I realized that tomorrow in class I was going to have to pretend like nothing happened, that our relationship had not just changed forever. After a while I got good at it and became able to switch from our out of school relationship to our in school relationship. Keeping our relationship a secret got easier even though I am sure there were little moments where we both let it shine through. I have to admit too that there were times that I watched you lecture and the only thing that I could think about was that night.

I knew deep down that if anyone found out that my academic ability would be called in to question and I had worked way too hard to let that happen. I already knew what people would say: no wonder she has a 3.9 GPA she has relationships with her professors, no wonder she gets to be the honors program intern and so on. So, for somewhat selfish reasons I kept our little secret.

 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant game of keeping secrets. Be that a fight that my parents had or the fact that I will never again feel connected to my father. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone knew everything about me. Would people still feel the same way about me? If people knew that I had a relationship with a professor would they discount all of my academic achievements? I admit that I have reasons for keeping all of my secrets. Who wants to admit that they feel the pressure every day to hid the fact that they have a learning disability? If I admit this to people though I worry that they will think I am less intelligent, why part of me knows that this is not true I still am not comfortable with people knowing. I am good at keeping secrets. In a way keeping secrets has become part of my existence.

As someone told me once I am really good at keeping secrets until they show up all over my body. I am really good at not letting people know that I am in pain until it becomes blatantly obvious. I admit that I want people to notice that when I am hurting because I have a really hard telling them. I have learned that there are just somethings that you do not talk about and sometimes you just have to suck it up and pretend it doesn’t hurt.