I recently had a conversation with someone who made the wise comment, “If you want to change someone’s mind, first you need to understand what’s in it.”  As I reflect on that statement, I think, perhaps, that this framework is not broad enough.

 

Before we focus on trying to change someone else’s mind, we need to be aware of our own.  By this I mean are we truly listening to the other person to understand their perspective?  Are we curious about the mental models that their information may be evoking in us?  Are we open to considering what it might mean to us to adopt their perspective?

 

This takes practice.  We have been taught, explicitly and implicitly, to listen through the lens of reaction.  As the person is talking, we are only half-listening to them while we begin to frame a response.

 

A simple but effective way to counter this tendency is to say, “If I understand you correctly, what you are saying is….. (and then summarize what you heard).”  The hard part of this exercise is to not overlay your interpretation of what they’ve said.  Two wonderful things happen.  First, the person speaking feels acknowledged.  Second, you’ve been given the opportunity to clearly understand what they are trying to share.

 

The next step in this process involves curiosity.  Being curious about what has led a person to make their statement provides further insight and perspective about “what’s in their mind.”  At the same time, being curious about what’s driving your response provides insight into “what’s in your mind.”  By reflecting on the beliefs, values, and experiences that influence your retort, you have the opportunity to look more objectively at the new information being shared with you.

 

On second thought, maybe the initial statement is correct, if we are willing to concede that sometimes the mind we change is our own.